Hi all!
I've had the week off! It's been great. It took me 3½ days to tune into myself again, which is I think a record. It's reassuring to know that I can do this reliably now. The next step is to stay in this mode or reliably return to it even if I'm working at the time.
Mango Reinforcement
It's a struggle for me to remember that I actually do this newsletter for me, but that is indeed who I do it for (no offence). My projects often go in this sort of a cycle:
I start creating something, enjoying the process, making what I want to make etc.
Someone gives me some positive feedback about it. They say something like "wow all that stuff about mangoes was great", and I'm like wow yeah I liked that too! Positive feedback feels great!
"FUCK I'm running out of mango content, what am I going to do?? maybe I just have to admit to myself and everyone else that I can't do anything at all??? start another newsletter for apples?? no no, come on kay, you can come up with some more mango content you can do it!"
(Optional) I revolt against the perceived expectation that I write about mangoes by refusing to write about mangoes at all, or about anything that could feasibly even contain a mango.
The point is: maybe mangoes are great, and maybe some people would love a newsletter that's just solid mangoes every day of the week, but more likely people have more diverse interests and it's OK for me to prioritise making things I want to make.
Speaking of which, this week I've been making the moon!
Moon Tourism
Here's a deal: go live in the moon alone. Lots of quiet, no one can hear you scream, no one forcing you to tweet about the labour party. You can't bring anyone. You're just totally alone hundreds of thousands of miles from anyone.
How long would you go for?
a. Wouldn't at all.
b. 2 weeks
c. 3 months
d. 1 year
If there's anything appealing to you about option D, you may have something in common with me, and also this penguin:
Distance and dissociation have a bad reputation. Sure, distancing often emerges from trauma, but then there are also plenty of intimacy behaviours that emerge from trauma too and there's a lot written about the beauty in those. So I've been making something to be a sort of love letter to distancing, dissociation, and aloneness. I often feel bad about my desire for distance so I'm trying to process it more positively.
Firstly, I've been making this:
It's a pixel-art trace of a photo from one of the moon missions. It's just going to be a backdrop, but I like how it looks. Even more, though, I have enjoyed the process of making it, which has itself been a sort of pleasant dissociation. One of my emotional numbing strategies growing up was engaging in long, absorbing tasks with lots of detail.
And I've been writing bits and pieces. Here's a (very rough) excerpt:
First, find a magic eye picture. One of those weird textured images with the cuts and gaps, and then you stare at them for a while in just the right way, and a 3D image appears of a seahorse or an old-western carriage. Find one of those, and pay attention to how it feels. You stare, relax, stare, pull your head further away and closer, and eventually it sort of... comes into focus.
Pay attention to that process as you do it. Now, when you've got the 3D image, try doing it in reverse — so you go from 3D to 2D. Don't just look away, try to actually reverse the process you did before, and particularly how it feels.
When you've got both the forward and reverse processes down — you're ready for the final step.
Take the reverse process, and do it with the real world. Find something to look at, and then do what you did to make the magic eye picture go from 3D to 2D again.
And to get back again, do the same thing you did to see the magic eye picture in the first place — 2D to 3D. If you find it difficult to get back, well, try not to stress too much about it — that will only make it more difficult.
I went and found some magic eye pictures to research for this and ended up finding this one, which is AMAZING and really worth the effort:
A modest proposal
It's commonly accepted that some businesses are too big to fail. Big banks, railway operators, etc. Some things just have to survive and if you fuck up really bad then the government will bail you out.
Many of us might wish to be in the same position, but important public services are hard to come by. I have an idea.
London Zoo's 'behind the scenes' diaries during coronavirus shutdown
Director Ms Kaspari said euthanising some animals at the zoo, which is home to more than 700 animals and more than 100 species, so that others could live to cut costs would be a last resort.
She said she would rather euthanise the animals than let them starve.
"If - and this is really the worst, worst case of all - if I no longer have any money to buy feed, or if it should happen that my feed supplier is no longer able to supply due to new restrictions, then I would slaughter animals to feed other animals."
And in response, the government has just announced a £100m 'don't feed zoo animals to each other please' rescue package. This brings 'too big to fail' into the reach of a middle class household, with a modest lion setting you back a few thousand (not counting running costs).
I know this is a very unsophisticated moral argument, but when I read stories like this I have a little question that runs around in my head: do British people care more about animals or humans? You can supplant 'British people' for whatever group you like and 'people' for whatever group they're fucking over. Whenever I see people donating to animal charities I can't help but think, well, that's eating money for some people and you're deliberately choosing to spend it to feed animals. I mean I like animals, but...
Plus, zoos are shit and full of fucking WASPS.
Have a great week everyone! Wish me luck in staying tuned in for as long as possible.
K
P.S. I’ve got mangoes on my mind (and vice versa) because I keep accidentally leaving them in my fridge too long, and have learned as a result that they get harder as they get older, rather than softer?? Very surprising to me.