Hello everyone!
This one contains unwise tales of the non-socially-distanced outside. If you’d prefer not to read about that, you can skip ahead to ‘Party like it’s Windows 95’ or just stop reading!
The outside: a review
England opened its pubs on Saturday. A bunch of people in confined spaces, social distancing only to the point of legalism, shouting, drinking, aspirating respiratory droplets all over you, dancing, squeezing past one another, not washing their hands because they're so FUCKED.
And yes, I was one of them.
But no, I wouldn't recommend it.
Let me tell you what it’s like out there.
I rocked up looking like this:
(Shortly before I took this photo a man on the street told me to smile, hence the smile.)
The venue of the party was last-minute changed from an outdoors spot to the semi-outdoors spot Mercato Metropolitano — I assume it's called that so if you're too drunk you can't fucking type it fucking into your google maps (MERCATPOL... MERAPACO... FUCK). I figured it was possibly still airy enough so I decided to go (no excuse I know).
This is what it looks like on a quietish sunny afternoon before COVID. It's a sort of outdoorish complex of bars and little market stalls and stuff.
I arrived, finished my phone call, and walked up to the gate. Had to give them my name, number, and postcode to get in (on the way there I noticed someone had plastered stickers saying 'SOCIAL DISTANCING DESTROYS LIFE' all over the bus stops). I realise now that everyone was using the same pen, but shortly after they sprayed my hands with alcohol. So far so good.
I walked in, took in a few looks, and began the quest to find my friends. If you've ever been to meracato matro... fuck! if you've ever been, you'll be familiar with the sensation of being 5 years old having lost your parents in the supermarket, anxiety rising in your throat as you spend 5, 10, 15 minutes trying to find them. But there's no help desk this time, you just have to keep texting and walking and walking and texting.
During this time it became increasingly apparent that 'strict social distancing measures' were almost entirely not in place. No one was breathing down your neck, but you still had to squeeze past them to get anywhere and everyone had pretty much just accepted it.
Eventually I found my friends. A few non-socially-distanced hugs later it was time to get a drink. I don't feel great admitting it, but there are only so many times you can cruelly reject your friends when they go in for a hug. You're closer than a meter to 5 people at any one time anyway, so it feels pointless not to have a bit of human contact if you've already taken the risk.
Then it was time to get a drink. The staff weren't wearing masks but they did have big plastic barriers and rules about being at the bar, which were mostly pretty well enforced. However, it is pretty hard hearing people and being heard through a thick plastic screen. At one point I asked for a double bourbon and the guy questioningly presented me with a bottle labelled 'Robert Burns Whisky'. I consented.
Plus your normal response of leaning over the bar is obviously the wrong one. At one point the barman motioned me to come to an area of the bar without a screen so he could hear me. Not good.
(Perhaps we should develop some bar sign language? Convenient in all sorts of ways.)
After then it was all downhill. When you're in, you're in, eight people had aspirated in my face already, and everyone (including myself) just figured we may as well try to enjoy it. Even if I don't get it, I suspect I'll get a call from the contact tracers this week, as easily hundreds of people passed through the venue that day and at least one is bound to present with COVID19 in the next 7 days.
For balance, it should be said that this is probably the safest time to go out. Infection numbers are lower now than they will be next month. For even more balance — a rule of thumb: groups of drunk people aren't going to social distance. Alcohol will reduce enough of the collective inhibition that it's just not going to happen.
So make the decision sober: don't drink in groups. May you benefit from me being a complete wanker. If you want to shout at me I'll be choking on the Peppa Pig thermometer every half hour.
Party like it's Windows 95
Ever think how much this is like an orgasm?
If you want to play, you can load up a copy of Windows 98 in your browser (on your laptop obviously, this is not a smartphone interface). I actually forgot how hard it was on the 'draw 3 cards' mode and failed several times before I was like fuck this am I really going to spend my last Sunday before symptomatic COVID19 infection playing Windows 98 Solitaire? Switched it to single card draw, failed again twice, and then finally got the above.
But this was most of it:
🤔
I also found this:
The 'Windows' directory on Windows 95! All the desktop background images are swimming around in there with 'Drvspace.exe' and 'Cmd640x.sys'.
I think this is one of the things that turned me onto computing. I may have mentioned that as a kid I used to love intricacy. Whenever I drew anything it would have tonnes of tiny details and no focus at all. I loved the idea of big complex landscapes that you can peer into and see like a guy in the window of a tiny house in the distance and he's got his binoculars looking at you. Where's Wally and all that.
So to open up this folder and find all of these THINGS with OBSCURE PURPOSES, but some of them you can click and see what they do, or you click them and they do nothing, or give you this:
What! What does it do! So you go Help → About and it's like:
What!!! What. What are you, strange 'Object Packager'?
It's like stumbling into a cave with drawings, and you can see some sort of writing, and you know people were here, they had some sort of purpose and intentions, but what were they? Who can say.
And then there was the illicit thrill of opening up '0dbcinst.ini' and seeing what you can change. How will it change the behaviour of this intricate and precious machine? Will it reveal hidden powers? Will it break irretrievably? There is no way to know, but once you have found these files they tempt you. Change me, they seem to call out. Do you not wish to claim my power for your own?
Yes, yes, writing this I am now convinced. This was one of the starting points.
I hate to be all old about this, but there's nothing like this now is there. In the past all of this was just living alongside your documents, separated by only the gossamer thin film of the yellow folder icon. You can edit a word document? You can edit me. Now you open your phone and it's all icons. You can't open up Google Maps with Instagram and see what happens — it's impossible. Things have improved in a lot of ways, but it is a shame.
If you want to know how come birds can fly over mount Everest you can read this. Otherwise, have a good week!
K