#21. Can you speed read fast enough to cheat death itself?
*Superman speed-reading the atlas backwards*
Hi!
Some pictures from my holiday:
There's a lot more... content... in the countryside than I remembered.
Buying books you won't read, and other delusions
Moe: You gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes!
Repo guy: Next time pay your bills.
Moe: But I don't want to!
I like books. But they have a problem — or rather, I do. I read them quite slowly. I start reading, and then I get sidetracked or it sparks a lot of thoughts to go explore, or other things come up. As a result, I certainly get through under 10 books a year, likely under 5. I'm doing a little better this year (thanks roney) but it's still slow going.
One problem I don't have with books is buying them. I have a small problem of storing them in my one bed flat, but it's manageable. There are a lot of cool books out there, and they're pretty cheap relative to, say, having somewhere to live. So I buy maybe 30 books a year, not counting ones I talk myself out of buying.
There's an obvious consequence here: I'm buying books I won't read. Which is interesting. As I hold these facts in my mind, it feels a little unstable, like the component pieces might be about to spring violently apart. Perhaps you recognise the feeling.
Here are a few possible responses I've had to this feeling:
Self-loathing. I am so foolish! Why would I buy books I don't read? I must be a flawed sort of person.
Fantasy. Perhaps I will read them anyway! Who knows what the future will bring, perhaps I will read 50 books a year and then catch up.
Intellectualisation. Perhaps I buy books for some other reason than reading them. Perhaps it is nice to just have them, look at them, think about reading them, even smell them.
Anger. Why do I have to have a reason for everything I do! Can't you just let me have this?!
On my best behaviour, I recognise that this behaviour does not make sense, that at the heart of it there must be some sort of delusion, and that it might be interesting and useful to explore what that delusion is.
A psychotherapist called James F. Masterson invented a tool for these sorts of situations called Confrontation. The idea of confrontation is this:
The therapist believes the client to be a sensible sort of person capable of making good decisions (no matter how tempting it might be to believe otherwise).
Then, points out when the client is not acting accordingly.
Here is an example from one of Masterson's contemporaries, Ralph Klein:
A.P.: I feel so guilty when I don't visit her even though I know I'm a good daughter. I see her when I can, and I'm more sensitive to her needs than my father, who is there all the time. I think I feel guilty when I don't act the part of the child she still wants me to be and still sees me as. What if I am myself? Am I afraid she will die and I will feel guilty forever over what I didn't do for her? Why can't I make her understand? Why can't she care about me?
R.K.: You mean, why can't she be a different person?
A.P.: (sobbing) Why can't she just change?
R.K.: The real question, I think, is why you continue to insist that she give you something that she doesn't have and therefore can't give.
A.P.: (still crying) You're right. It's stupid. I keep expecting her to change and I keep going back and trying to get it. I remember growing up, always expecting and hoping and never getting anything from her. The only person who seemed to understand what I needed was my grandmother. (She went on to recall cold winter mornings when her grandmother would make hot chocolate for her. She loved those mornings and her grandmother, who died when she was 12.) I still can't understand why Mother never stands up for me.
R.K.: You still hope to get hot chocolate from her?
A.P.: You're right. I know it. I hate it. But what should I do. How should I stop it. Tell me!
R.K.: Now you're asking me for a recipe for hot chocolate?
A.P.: (laughing) I know better than ask you for anything.
Here, Klein's approach is to confront A.P. with the reality of her situation. She wants and hopes for her mother to care for her as she truly is and not need her to act a certain role, which Klein confronts as unrealistic. In fact, he doesn't even say it's unrealistic — he says, why do you insist upon something you can see isn't going to happen? Then she acknowledges it doesn't make sense, experiences more of the depth of grief associated with this, returns to a happier memory, and then attempts to return to the delusion ("I still can't understand why..."). Klein confronts this again, A.P. acknowledges again, then defends by trying to shift responsibility to her therapist, which Klein again confronts.
The end goal is that the client wrestles more with the challenges of reality, identifies behaviour that doesn't help them, and works through the disappointments they have experienced so far, in order to become a person more capable of living in a way they like better.
You need help to do this properly, but after a few years of therapy I've been learning to apply this technique to myself. The books is a good example: why do I buy books I won't read?
I buy them because I think they're cool and I'd like to read them, but it's true that I don't make time to read them. I suppose buying things allows me to live in the world where I will read them, just for a moment, without the hard work of actually making realistic tradeoffs with my time. If I want to read them I will have to take time away from other things, which I don't want to do either.
Moe: You've gotta let me read these books! They look really cool!!
Repo guy: Next time work ~40 hours a week.
Moe: But I don't want to!
The key delusion centres around time. Perhaps you also have issues with time? Most people I know do. Accepting time means accepting that you may have to choose.
And while this is disappointing, it comes with a sense of relief. Previously I would just feel eternally bad about not getting everything done, even as I know mentally it is impossible. If, however, I decide to accept the reality of time, I can do the hard — but possible — work of deciding what is more important to me. I can spend my time accordingly, and not feel so bad.
Which is nice.
Links
Is your love life too complicated? Not complicated enough? These chart of the affairs of penguins at Japanese aquaria has something for everyone. "As Kyoto-based researcher Oliver Jia points out, penguin drama can include serious crushes and heartbreaks but also adultery and egg-stealing." Egg-stealing! That's one thing us mammals fortunately don't have to deal with. Can you imagine that in EastEnders? Camera shifts to Phil Mitchell shiftily nursing an egg as drum beats roll.
Probably not how they made the pyramids. I'm pretty sure there's a sexy caption for this one but I'm not going to get myself in the spam bin again this week.
If you like lo-fi beats and also rooms, you can combine those two loves in this strange game that allows you to make lo-fi beats by clicking things in a room. Relatedly, I also learned the rationale behind people advertising chilled beats at me on Instagram — and it's embarrassingly obvious. In contrast to other music, people love to play lo-fi beats in the background while they work, so they rack up loads of streams, which means the artists get money from Spotify. I guess, somehow, some of that money goes towards advertising the channel to me so I listen to it!
Media
I came across this 'Belgian hardcore techno' track about 15 years ago and could never find it again. That is until I spent 2 minutes searching yesterday! I remembered the name because it is a bit funny in light of the sample used in the song. Anyway, it's weird and fun.
I came across this channel that almost entirely posts DJ sets along with footage of someone driving (in this case at night). It's the perfect combination. This set is also great!
I say 'almost entirely' because the channel has two other videos, one titled "Cow being born" and another titled "phlegm (NSFW)". Curious? Don't be.
I'm serious.
K