#23C. Nurture
No, my inability to commit to one format for this newsletter is NOT symbolic of wider challenges around identity and coherence; moreover my planet needs me goodbye.
Hi all,
Another very busy week, and accordingly another not-a-newsletter! I've been listening to that Kae Tempest album, the one with the British Isles on it? Great isn't it.
I'd like to invite you all to think about nurture.
You don't have to but maybe you will.
I've been hung up on nurturing ever since I realised I feel a great need for it. Something within me wants to meet someone who will totally tune in to me, who will know what I need at all times, who will provide it without protest, who will stay with my anger and sadness, and share in my joy and fascination. Who will water me like their nice plant, give me plant food, endlessly waiting for me to bloom — which I will do, if I can just absorb enough nurturance first.
Some people get this, but usually only in childhood. As an adult, it's a totally unrealistic thing to pine for. Nurturing is one-way love. Adults generally expect reciprocity. You can tell it's nurturing when you don't want to reciprocate. Because it's yours! But if you act like this more than occasionally, maybe on your birthday, you start seeming like a bit of a dick.
But, like panning for gold, there are little bits of it everywhere, traded back and forth all the time.
Here are some questions. Answer them in a reply if you like!
What kind of nurturing do you seek out most frequently?
For me, it's praise. I love praise! Sometimes I feel like if I could be surrounded with people who praise me constantly, for long enough, I might somehow fill up and become a whole-er sort of person.
Of course, I also hate praise! That's nurturing for you. To enjoy it you have to regress a bit, which makes you feel small (usually only OK if this person is a validated 'big' figure like a parent).
What kind of nurturing feels most dangerous?
Probably feeling understood? It's quite heady, I think, when someone properly understands you, especially if they then act on that knowledge.
What kind of nurturing feels the most gross?
Probably touch for me. Touch feels close to need and control, which makes it hard to appreciate.
What kind of nurturing feels the most needed?
Probably encouragement. Encouragement both acknowledges anxious feelings, and expresses positivity. Like many people, I suppress those anxious feelings by projecting confidence, which means people are less likely to offer encouragement and I'm less likely to be able to hear it when they do.
Wishing you a week full of all the nurture you hope for.
K
P.S. In case you’re wondering where that bird image is from and also for legal reasons I will tell you that it from here.
Really love this. I feel most in need of people understanding me, and most uncomfortable with praise (despite my appearance of liking it)! Funny that perhaps that former need is the very reason I took to this comment section! 😆 I think so highly of you as you (I think?) know, and these not-newsletters are so refreshing.